I recently swore an oath to better myself.
This is an oath. If I don't keep it, may I live to see the last acre of vegetation paved and built upon and the last drop of fresh water dry up.
No more waiting for things to get better, no more decadent masochism, no more getting philosophical about the problems that overwhelm me, no more bitching, no more worrying until I've actually done something about it.
Next time you have a drink, raise your glass to me on this one. Cheers.
I find that I'm full of complaints sometimes and lull myself into a cynical slothful daze by talking about everything that bothers me and doing nothing to make the situation better. So lately I've taken initiative to go out and have fun by doing good things. I planted some morning glory seeds with Ian in Trinity Bellwoods park, visited the little zoo at High Park and picked up garbage there with Ian and his mom, I've been riding my bike around instead of taking transit, not taking people's generosity for granted even though I'm broke, volunteering with globalaware, helping out Ian's mom with housework, trying to smile at grumpy looking strangers I pass on the street, going out with people when they ask, instead of making lame excuses, inviting my friends out to do things when I'm bored instead of discussing boredom over MSN, and just generally trying to be more observant because it's easier to change things if you notice them quickly. I found a baby bird on a park trail in Bellevue Square park the other day on my way to phototherapy. It was breathing but too young even to fly. I guess it was a pigeon hatchling or something. Another man sitting in the park was curious, and he took it for me since I was in a hurry. Not really sure what happened to it, but at least it didn't get stepped on or run over on the path.
In other news, I have a final test in "Evil and Suffering" on Solstice... normally I wouldn't mind, but this year I'm planning on going to OM festival AND getting handfasted on that day to Ian (as magical working partners rather than official spouses). I asked the prof. if I could do it early, but I have to e-mail her to find out. I think this class is going to be super awesome, so I don't want to drop it. But I will if it's going to interfere with my plans... even though Anton LeVey is on the course reading list. Hahaha. Never thought I'd see THAT at UofT.
...and even my other dreams are carrying over into the waking world a bit. It's throwing me off. The other morning I was certain that Ian was talking to me as I was trying to squeeze in a last bit of sleep, and it turns out he had been downstairs for an hour, even though I could feel him breathing on me as he spoke in my 'twilight' consciousness. Then again yesterday morning during a heavy storm, I got up at 5:30 to use the bathroom, and I was sure that I could hear him typing on his laptop, and saw him hunched over the side of the bed as though he was awake and using the computer. But then I sat up to go downstairs, and as I pushed myself up I noticed that he was totally passed out, right next to me, and not even near the side of the bed. I usually like when my mind plays tricks on me, but it gets distracting sometimes. I was passing through Syd Smith to get my bike, which was out back (I was out front) and as I approached the front door, I saw a reflection of a taller guy behind me coming through, so without looking behind me, I held the door a bit as I entered. The same with the second door to the lobby. Then I got a bit suspicious when he was still being reflected in the third door on my way out of the lobby toward the exit, so I turned around before I got to the last door and there was nobody there. Unsettling.
When I was 17 or 18 one of my good friends used to talk about having a 'shadow' that followed him everywhere, and it even had a name and personality. I hope I don't have an extradimensional being following me around. That could be helpful if it's benevolent, but even if it's neutral it sure is disconserting. I guess thats what I get for squee-geeing my third eye. *Shrug*
In (more) other news, despite my distinct lack of awesome feast and offering food, the UTPS Beltaine ritual, and the fact that I fudged saying "let there be